results

2012 Results (“Rock It Like You Own It” Tour)

Golfapalooza XXIV was another resounding success with the group's first official foray into Las Vegas. With a smaller group this year (8) there was $40 in prize money for each of Long Drive and Closest to the Pin for the first 3 9s and the next 3 full rounds, with the weekend winners as follows:

• Long Drive: Realist, Howitzer, Realist, Howitzer, Howitzer, Far Can Joe

• Closest to the Pin: Fascist, Stinky, Kim Jong Il, Fascist, xxx, Far can Joe

In addition to the round-by-round prize money, $158 was in play on Calcutta for the Handicap Challenge, with Fascist taking a cue from Far Can Joe in 2011 and taking the money after shrewdly buying himself for $25. While Fascist played a decent round on Sunday to take the Challenge, huge credit must go to his bloated 37 handicap on the weekend, a result of tough courses, poor weather and a strategic excursion to the Cosmopolitan.

This Year's "You The Man Cool Guy" award was split by Fascist and Stinky for different sides of the same coin: Stinky pwned the casinos over the weekend and was on a Rainman-like run, leaving the weekend never having a losing session at the tables. Fascist started off on a similar run, peaking at a cool G-note profit, and then the Cosmopolitan happened (see True Tales for deets). Long story short, Fascist gave it all back and then some. In a bourbon-fueled haze. Runners up this year include:

• Far Can Joe for his co-conspirator roll in Fascist's flame-out

• Bold for an Epic Meal Time -esque eating clinic; not satisfied with the all you can eat Brazilian BBQ experience at Samba Grill, Bold polished off a "normal sized" slice of banana cream pie for dessert. And by "normal sized" I mean the size of a normal sized baby's head. Ho. Lee. Eff. The pie itself was a meal

• Far Can Joe for a hard-earned 11 on a par 5. "What's so special about an 11 on a par 5?" you ask. Ummmmm... the 7-putt?

• Fascist for going all the way up to the severely elevated tee box of red-tee drop-zone on the 170 yard par-3 15th at Rio Secco and making another group wait while he re-teed for yanking his tee shot short-left into the desert. Fascist redeemed himself by striping his shot of the day, nailing a 7-iron dead at the flag, dropping it a few feet behind the hole and then rolling off to the fringe.

• Bold for sitting down at the blackjack table with the other FBs and, not realizing it was a $25 minimum table, smoooothly plunking down $50 and asking for some $5 chips when the dealer pushed over 2 green chips. To his credit, Bold worked those 2 green chips up to a tidy profit before cashing in

The weekend also saw it's share of some good golf, with two of the more memorable sequences coming on the last hole of the weekend, Rio Secco's 576-yard par 5 18th.

• The 18th was the site of the last of the long-drive contests of the weekend. Fascist hit probably his best drive of the weekend to 300 yards from the green, coming up disappointingly short of Stinky's drive by a couple of yards. Far Can Joe then unloaded his best drive of the weekend, at least 15 or 20 yards past Stinky's drive to handily take the long-drive contest with a 290+ bomb. Just as importantly, Far Can Joe followed up the big drive with a just as impressive 220+ yard fairway Wood, a solid chip and two putts to close out the weekend with a manly 576 yard par.

• Not to be outdone in the "awesome finish" department, Kim Jong Il worked his own magic on #18. KJI hit a relatively poor drive, maybe 200 yards, into the fairway bunker on the left side of the fairway, having the ball come to rest close to the far lip of the trap, giving KJI no option but to punch out of the bunker sideways to the far side of the fairway. KJI followed that up with a manly hybrid and then a stiff iron onto the green where he then carefully lined up and then sank a 25-foot putt for par. Correction: a manly 576 yard par.

2011 Results (“Rockstars From Mars” Tour)

Golfapalooza XXIII was a resounding success an all fronts with the most participants (12), 4 official rounds of golf, and great weather. A couple groups kicked off the weekend with pre-rounds and pre-pre-rounds, with the foursomes logging anywhere from 72 to 108 holes of golf over the weekend.

This year's events didn't just see more participants and more golf, but more money was at play throughout the weekend events. There was $60 in prize money for each of Long Drive and Closest to the Pin for the 4 official rounds, with the weekend winners as follows:

• Long Drive: Fascist, Fascist, Far Can Joe, Just A (looks like Fascist's new white Cobra S3 was working for him)

• Closest to the Pin: Back Again, Back Again, Just A, Far can Joe

In addition to the round-by-round prize money, $120 was in play on Saturday's Calcutta for the Handicap Challenge, with Far Can Joe taking the money after shrewdly buying himself for $15. And many dollars changed hands in the unofficial side-wagers throughout the weekend as well as in the casino, which seemed to come out on the losing end overall (yay FBs).

This Year's "You The Man Cool Guy" award was taken home by the would be "Rockstars", who get an A+ for the idea of flying down in their own plane, get a B- in the actual planning and a solid F in its execution. Rick O'Shea, Snippy and Kim Jong-il instead of being Rockstars are now Mockstars. Runners-Up for YTMCG include Stinky for the almost speeding ticket and Fascist for almost breaking his brother's finger (see True Tales for more on both those events).

Also new to this year's event was the first re-awarding of the Big Pussy shirt to Stinky for "complaining" about the unfairness of a Long Drive competition for those that aren't big hitters and suggesting a Straight Drive contest [ed. which would be gay].

Other notable events include:

• almost Aces by Fascist on Friday' morning's pre-round at Legend No. 2 (see twitpic) and Kim Jong-il on xxxday's round at the Wilderness No. x.

• newcomer Frenchy LaRue's "I'm going to try something" 300-yard drive on Legend #9 only to be followed by planned layup from 200 yards out with a finishing carry over water. But Frenchy's playing partners would have none of that - "you didn't bomb a 300 yard drive just to lay up from 200 yards did you?". So he smoothed an iron onto and just over the green. Nice shots man. Too bad about the double bogey.

• Im-Back-Again was sitting on the edge of the fairway 200 yards out from the green. The foursome was waiting for the green to clear when Back-Again set up by his ball and took a practice swing. Back-Again then addressed the ball and paused, asking the rest of the foursome, "you think I should wait?". Back-agin was asked, "are you going for it?", to which he replied "yah". Wait. What?

• Not-The-A-Hole taking a full swing at the ball from 220 yards out, connecting solidly, and having the ball travel about 20 yards before striking a two-inch wide lateral water haxzard stake (which was NOT on the planned line to the hole) and have the ball ricochet directly back at him, landing 30 yards further back from where he had started.

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2010 Results (“Year of the Tiger” Tour)

Geez... Stuff happened. Somebody won. In hindsight, probably not a great idea to do this 9 months after the fact...

From what I recall, we had yet another addition to the knickered crew, with How-itzer joining the party with his bright orange ensemble. It must have been a lucky charm, because he wound up taking the Handicap Challenge. The most memorable part of the event was the addition of a Saturday-night “calcutta”, where all the participants in the Handicap Challenge were put up for auction, as were the five people tied for the Fat Bastard Cup. This was an interesting twist to the weekend's events and I expect it to be a “standard” feature of upcoming events. Speaking of The Cup, it was won by Dan, father of Just a, keeping it in the family.

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2009 Results (“Where's My Bailout?” Tour)

The stylin' was bumped up again this year with another FB (Rick O'Shea) seeing the light and joining the ranks of the knickered. All four knickered gents (Far Can Joe, Stinky, Rick O'Shea and Fascist) received plenty of attention throughout the Saturday (most of it good). Fascist also added an extreme retro look on Sunday with Shagadelic style from LoudMouthGolf.com. In addition to the style, this year's event was also amped up to 11 golfers and many, many holes of golf; 72 “official” holes, with another 18 or 36 holes for 8 of the crew – that's a lot of golf.

Memorable shots of the weekend include:

1) Stinky's fluke-a-rrific tee shot on the Pines Course (Lakes #7): a 109 yard shot with a full carry over water to a long, narrow green; Stinky flares the ball out to a hill on the right where it lands well short of the green, bounces onto the green and trickles by the cup for an almost Ace. Wins Closest to the Pin, several carryover skins, carryover "5 dolla" bet, and "double your money" on the pro shop gift cert - net result $120+

2) Stinky's fluke-tacular pitch on Deacon's #4?: Stinky is in the thick green-side rough adjacent to the green and his delicate pitch comes out hot and runs at least 8 feet by the hole up the slope of the green; the ball pauses a moment, then slowly starts to trickle back down the hill toward the hole, picking up speed and rolling into the cup. Everything is coming up T-man...

3) Lippy's 70+ bomb on the Pines Course (Lakes #9): Lippy's tee shot lands on the massive double-green at least 70 feet from the pin. The cart girl pulls up and waits to see if the group would like any beverages. Lippy lines up and hits his birdie attempt toward the hole and then starts walking to the beer cart as his ball snakes toward the hole - Lippy is half way toward the cart when Far Can starts announcing "ohmigod... it... looks... good... it's in the hole!" as the ball drops in for birdie.

4) Far Can's shot sequence on the Pines Course (Woods #7) (and the coveted “Beach Blanket Bingo” award); Far Can is in the deep grass bunker short of the green and chips high and hard over the green into the rough; he then attempts a delicate chip from the shaggy rough, which comes out a little hot downhill toward the hole; the ball runs by the hole and ff the green and holds up in the thick rough at the front of the green for a moment before tumbling into the steep sand bunker guarding the green. Far Can then tries to pitch out of the sand to the pin at the front of the green, advancing the ball into the face of the bunker and having it roll back to where he stands. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat again, although this time the ball rolls towards Far Can's feet and he does a little sand jig to avoid having the ball hit him. Far Can then re-sets his feet and proceeds to blast the ball over the green as he starts a carpet-bombing run of F-bombs while he wanders over to his ball, picks it up and sits in the cart waiting for the others to finish the hole.

5) Rick O'Shea's (formerly Almost A) shot on the Deacon's course; Rick is off the fairway in the trees on the right and is trying to punch ahead through the trees onto the fairway; Stinky and Fascist ar sitting their golf cart to the left of Rick O'Shea as he hits his ball, which connects with a tree trunk and then whap whap whap whap begins to carom tree to tree "around the horn" in a full semi-circle landing in the fairway to the left of Stinky and Fascist in their cart, a full 90 degrees behind where Rick was aiming.

6) Fascist's one-handed back-handed wedge on the Pines Course (Woods #9); after dropping a ball at the edge of the water protecting the left-hand side of the green, Fascist chunks his wedge shot, advancing the ball about 15 feet to the water's edge. Fascist's obvious options to take another stroke and move the ball away from the water's edge or stand in the water and try and play the ball from there. Instead Fascist turns his back toward the hole, turns his wedge so the blade is facing backward, and then sweeps the club front to back, picking the ball clean off the soggy turf and popping it 20 yards gently onto the green.

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2008 Results (“Show Me The Money” Tour)

The stylin' was amped this year, with Fascist FB starting off the weekend in his retro, Caddyshack striped pants (or Clown Pants as his kids called them) and Stinky's lime green golf shirt paired with muted green, tan and black plaid gabardines. Saturday was the Plus-4 special, with Stinky, Far Can Joe and Fascist bringin' it with red & white, black & white, and blue & yellow Plus-4's respectively. Many fine compliments were received throughout the day. Sunday was a mixed back, with Far Can Joe going high-end with the dapper tan and black, offset by Never Gonna Be A's (formerly I Wanna Be A's) tribute to the Trailer Park Boys.

This 20th year was marked by the first ever Golfapalooza Hole-In-One, by All In, who was all-in on Wilderness #17, playing at about 160 yards. According to the pro shop, also the first Ace recorded on that hole. DMsOY!

This year's “Hanes Her Way” award goes to returning attendee Sandbaggin' FB, who spent much of Friday, and a fair bit of time on Saturday with actual (and owed) pants-down shots.

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2007 Results (“Mission From God” Tour)

This year took on a decidedly stylish flair, with Stinky Fat Bastard changing his look to be Phat Bastard; Friday started off with a lime green golf shirt paired with muted green, tan and black plaid gabardines and a nice pair of shiny white Lugz. Saturday was more traditional with the red and black plaid plus fours, matching tam o'shanter and black knee-highs.

Winner of this year's “Beach Blanket Bingo” award goes to Almost A FB, who spent more time in the sand than Pamela Anderson on Baywatch; one sequence of events went as follows:

• into the fairway bunker (1);

• from fairway bunker to greenside bunker (2),

• over the green into another greenside bunker (3);

• chili-dip to stay in the greenside bunker (4);

• over the green back into the first greenside bunker(5);

• pick up the ball and walk away...

This year's “Hanes Her Way” award goes to first time attendee I Wanna Be A FB, who had numerous pants-down shots, including at least one double-pants down sequence (see Tall Tales: Rule 28 for more detail).

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2006 Results (“Veni. Vidi. Vici.” Tour)

Winner of the year's “Beach Blanket Bingo” award goes to Lippy FB, not so much for frequency of hitting the sand, but for completely burying his ball in the sand on Quarry #17; his tee shot appeared to hit the green, but after much searching on and all around the green we finally found it peeking out of the sand with less than a dime-sized piece of the ball visible in its crater.

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2005 Results

The “biggest year yet” with 12 golfers in attendance participating in anywhere from 4 to 5 rounds each (depending on if you were in the car that blew up or not; see True Tales).

This year marked the first year of Texas Hold 'em Poker, with Fascist FB holding the dubious distinction of being “all in” (and “all-out”) in the first hand of the first round.

Two more occasional Fat Bastards were named; Tall-Naked FB and Short-Naked FB, both for their apparent preference to play with their pants down (sometimes on back-to-back holes). Short-Naked FB also added to the entertainment factor by his mastery of the “beerzooka”, which probably contributed to the pants-down frequency as well as causing him to be “out of commission” before dinner on Saturday.

This year's "Hanes Her Way" award goes to Short-Naked FB for his frequent pants-down escapades, but he was given a run for his money for this year's award by Tall-Naked FB and Snippy FB who both also had multiple, and sequential, pants-down occurrences.

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2004 Results

This marks another year with a little less golf and a lot less "palooza".Seven regulars made it out for the event and managed to stay relatively sober throughout - not a shooter was had this year (at least that I can remember).

Of note this year was the official naming of more Fat Bastards - Lippy earned his name for coming up short on several putts that just hung on the lip looking into the cup, but not wanting to drop in and Snippy was awarded his name for somehow managing to take the most “snips” in Bingo – Bango – Bongo, even with his less than stellar rounds.

"Winner" of this year's "Beach Blanket Bingo" award for hittin' the sand on a consistent basis is Lippy FB, who included a sand-to-sand shot from the fairway bunkers on 14.

Owner of the "Three Putt Nancy" has to go to Honest FB who managed to 3 or 4 putt on several occasions.

This year's "Hanes Her Way" award goes to Lippy FB who had to drop his pants on 10 and 15. After slicing his second pants-down shot of the weekend, Stinky FB commented "you're not very good with your pants down", to which Lippy FB replied "I thought that was my wife talking". Fascist and Snippy FB also "aired it out", also on 10, although during different rounds.

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2003 Results

This marks yet another relatively disappointing year in the way of wacky hijinx. The "regular" group dropped one of the originals this year (Lucky was "too busy" ??). Returning attendees were Honest FB and Bold FB, with Lippy FB as a new attendee. The group managed 5 full rounds through the weekend, staying relatively sober throughout, with the exception of Stinky (now aka Silly).

One of the more notable events was Stinky's absence on Sunday due to over-indulging himself on Saturday. He managed two full rounds on Saturday and won this year's "Cup", although he faded fast at the and and was TKO by 7:30 Saturday.

There were no notable stand-outs in the "Beach Blanket Bingo" award for hittin' the sand, although Bold FB and Lippy FB went sand-to-sand on different holes; Bold FB in the greenside bunkers on 15 and Lippy FB from fairway to greenside on 18 (tee to green without hitting the fairway).

Owner of the 'Three Putt Nancy" has to go to newcomer MK (now Lippy FB) for blowing a 15-foot eagle opportunity on 10 by three-putting from the fringe to "save" par.

This year's "Hanes Her Way" award would have been a toss-up between Fascist and Stinky, but Stinky receives the award for playing out most of 14 in just his boxers and a golf-shirt (with the golf shirt tucked into the boxers for that extra-cool look).

*And finally, a new award dubbed the "Sally Six Shooter" goes to LA (now Bold FB) for the unbelievable play on 15; laying 6, short of the ladies tee, and still playing the same ball (see the True Tales).

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2002 Results

This marks another relatively disappointing year in the way of wacky hijinx. The "regular" group had three additions to the team; a return of Honest FB and two new participants. We only managed 4 rounds of golf over the weekend and managed to stay relatively sober throughout.

The most notable occurrence was the "high steaks" betting between Fascist FB and Honest FB (see the True Tales).

Honest FB was easily the most improved golfer of the weekend, dropping from 135 on Friday to a very respectable 104 on Sunday.

Stinky is awarded the "Beach Blanket Bingo" award for steadily retaining the "Sand Crab Brad" token during most of the weekend.

Fascist is awarded the "Three Putt Nancy" award for managing to keep the "Coward Howard" token during most of the weekend.

New participant DT (now Snippy FB) is awarded the "Hanes Her Way" award for having to play the most shots with his pants down.

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2001 Results

There is little to report in the way of wacky hijinx for this year's annual event, although others may have a clearer picture of the weekend (this reporter is experiencing some liquor-induced amnesia and serious distortion of the time-space continuum). Notable items from this year were the provisioning of custom-made, personalized Fat Bastard Golfapalooza 2001 caps for the "core" team and the "naming" of three of the newer participants (Sweet Swingin' Alouicious, Far Can Joe (now Honest FB) and Fargo).

This year was marked by more golf and less "palooza" than other years, with the core team putting in a total of 90 holes of golf (yes, that's 5 full rounds) during the three days; a round on Friday and two rounds on each of Saturday and Sunday. This resulted in a new spending record that exceeded $2500 for the weekend for the Four original Fat Bastards.

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