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golf jokes and assorted humour

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Everyone has golfed with Mr. “I can make this shot...”

Careful

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man - you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"

Pregnancy class

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

A man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Loft

Three guys were playing a round of golf with the local golf pro. The first guy tees off and slices his ball into the bush. He slams his club in frustration and asks the pro "what would cause that to happen?".

The pro looks at him and replies, "loft".

The second guy tees off and hooks his ball into a lateral water hazard. He stomps off the tee box swearing to himself and asks the pro "what the hell would cause that to happen?".

The pro pauses and replies, "loft".

The third guy tees off and tops his ball, causing it to dribble down the fairway. He groans in frustration and asks the the pro "why did that happen?".

Again, the pro replies "loft".

The third guy looks at the pro and says "three of us hit completely different shots, but when we ask you what the problem is, your only reply is 'loft'. What the heck is 'loft'?"

As the pro tees up his ball he replies, "Lack Of Freakin' Talent".

The Real, True and un-exaggerated Rules of Golf

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
If it ain’t broke, try changing your grip.
Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 300mph.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Top Ten Caddy Insults!

#10

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

#6

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 best caddy insult:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."